We start our three-hour "Bachelor" extravaganza with "Before the After the Rose." This is usually referred to as "the finale," but now that everyone who has been in a grocery check-out aisle in the last three months knows who wins, it is all really just two hours of fluff leading to the "After the Final Rose" reunion.
ABC dusts off the old "Bachelor" finale music, and we're on our way. Tonight, Ben must choose between two. Cut to Lindzi leaning against a railing with a cup of coffee, smiling -- not too big, just enough, yes, like that. Cut to Courtney petting a cat. Cue meow sound effect. Cut to Ben with suitcase. End with the ubiquitous David Grey song.
Lindzi meets Ben's mom and sister first. She is so nervous that she keeps dropping utensils at dinner. Mom asks what she sees in Ben. "He's, like, one of those people you just don't want to stop talking to? It's hard to find that? It's amazing? I love the person he is?"
Ben's sister, Julia, asks Lindzi a few questions about how she feels about Ben, but once that is out of the way, she is ready to gossip about Courtney. Lindzi won't say much, other than,"We're just really different?"
Ben reconvenes with his mom, who is wearing a cardigan almost identical to his, and sister, who needs to find a new phrase for "red flag." She stresses to Ben that she sees many red flags with Courtney not getting along with the girls. Also, she is not enthusiastic about having a model for a sister-in-law.
But lo and behold! Someone trade out sister Julia's red flag for a white flag. She surrenders to Courtney's nice act. She is won over because Courtney seems sweet, and she "will never know what happened in that house with the other girls." Nope, she will never ever know. No way to ever possibly know what happened on that set, I mean, in the house.
Ben and Lindzi go skiing (not in bikinis this time). Later, back at her place, she tells Ben she hides behind humor, but now wants to let Ben in, blah blah, same old. She tells him she loves him with a confused shrug.
Ben does the mountain thing with Courtney, too. They talk about feelings. Courtney gives Ben a photo album and love letter back at the hotel. "That was really nice," he responds. "That's great," he says when she tells him she loves him. Just what every woman wants to hear.
Montage time. Ben loves Courtney because she is adventurous and mysterious. He loves Lindzi because she is always smiling and has a glow about her. (That's not a glow, that's cheap bronzer.)
Now, the time has come for the women to stand on balconies before heading inside the hotel to do their hair and makeup while their voiceovers talk about how much they love Ben with retirement home piano playing in the background.
Next, Ben's turn to lean over a balcony and talk about hurdles and his decision being the right one as an ominous black bird flies overhead and apparently distracts the camera man.
Oh hey, Neil Lane! Engagement ring shopping time with our favorite celebrity jeweler, Neil Lane. Love this guy, he is just so shameless.
Both women seem to be channeling "Harry Potter" with their final rose ceremony dresses. Courtney does a long, black dress with black opera-length gloves and a white cape, while Lindzi wears a black dress covered in feathers and a green, velvet cape. (Yes, a green, velvet cape.)
The moment of truth comes. Except for that one time they fooled us, we know the person who gets out of the limo/helicopter/boat first is getting the ax. And, drum roll please, Lindzi steps out of the helicopter. Chris takes her cape and sends her to her fate. Ben tells her he has fallen in love with her, but ... her face drops ... he is more in love with someone else. She does her signature shrug, but this time the shrug doesn't indicate love, it indicates unhappiness and disappointment. She tells him she is mad at herself and that if things don't work out to call her. So, perhaps the shrug indicated desperation.
Ben stalls with Courtney, talking about their journey for awhile. She gets a suspenseful "but." But, he told himself he wouldn't get down on one knee unless he thought it was forever. And she is his forever. She giggle cries. He flashes the Neil Lane rock and proposes. She says, "Yes." And they promise to love each other forever, or at least until he sees her threaten to "verbal assault and rip the hair out of the other women's heads" on national TV.
Now, for the good stuff. As Chris Harrison so aptly puts it, "Just minutes ago, Ben Flajnik did what millions of viewers across the country hoped he wouldn't do, he proposed marriage to Courtney."
Ben starts off saying that he still loves Courtney and that the Courtney he saw on the show "isn't the Courtney I know." So, watching the show has been difficult for him.
Those moments lead to them "not talking for awhile -- essentially breaking up." The studio audience gasps. Chris Harrison asks for clarification. They didn't talk for a few weeks so Ben could reassess.
Chris asks about the tabloid photos of him with another woman (ahem, three other women). Ben swears on his father's grave that he hasn't kissed or hooked up with another woman. He says they are friends from San Francisco, or perhaps they are old photos. Ben insists, "If you look at those photos, I'm not even kissing those women in those photos." OK, which is it? They are your friends, they are old photos or you deny that the kissing photos exist?
He says Courtney was upset, but she gets it and trusts him. (She gets it? What exactly does she get?) And she even goes to try on wedding dresses the day the kissing photos were released to divert attention from the "Ben is cheating" stories. Chris responds "You guys are really weird. You're very strange."
Courtney comes out to boos. She reveals that their break happened the week before Valentine's Day, and Ben "didn't even send carnations." She spent days in bed crying. "He was supportive initially, and then he abandoned me. There is some trust that has been lost."
Courtney still considers them a couple. Show host/ supportive friend/ therapist Chris isn't buying it. "It still sounds like there is a lot of pain."
They bring back out Ben, whose hair, by the way, is at an all-time terrible. Ben keeps insisting that they are in a good place, and that they are both "low-drama people." Chris digs a little deeper. Can Courtney really trust Ben to stand by her when the going gets tough? Courtney doesn't think so.
The proposal is replayed, and the couple tears up. Ben asserts that he still feels the same way. And Chris gets all ring bearer and pulls out the Neil Lane sparkler. Ben slides it back on, and Chris wishes them the best.
Ashley and JP are back. No Lindzi? Ashley says she can relate to Ben and Courtney's troubles, because "people called me ugly, they called me stupid. They were really hard on me." Not really the same thing, Ashley, but thanks for trying. Ashley and JP are happy, living in New York and getting married within the year. Chris offers to get ordained and marry them. (Seriously, Chris, please do that.)
And they all lived dysfunctionally ever after.
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